The first thing I want to say is THANK YOU to everyone who has been so supportive to us during this time. It's really helped us to know that so many of you loved Ophelia too, and so many people were so touched by her story that never even met her.
The second thing I want to say is I'm sorry it's taken me this long to post an update.
I first tried writing an update exactly a week from the day we lost Ophelia.
I couldn't finish it.
I tried writing an update again exactly two weeks from the day we lost Ophelia.
I still couldn't finish it.
The following is what I started writing on April 8th, one week after we lost Ophelia...
I just wanted to make an update for everyone on how we are doing without our Ophelia in our lives anymore. The outpouring of love and support from everyone who knew Ophelia and us, to people who just knew us, to people who've never even met us or Ophelia but are touched by her story, has been phenomenal and heartwarming. The amount of people who've contacted me and said that they have a similar story with their dog, and that they know exactly how we feel, is heartbreaking, I really wish Hemangiosarcoma didn't exist, and I wish cancer in general didn't exist.
But, in short, it's been very, very hard living through every day things without Ophelia.
Ophelia had a therapy dog personality, she was very loving, she was very protective. She was almost always by our side, or at least near us. If Derek or I was taking a nap, she was right there. Laying next to us, laying next to or on our legs.
It took me most of the week to be able to sleep without her. The first night without her I basically collapsed into unconsciousness that night because I was so exhausted, since I hadn't slept for like a day and a half or so. But waking up without her was just heartbreaking. I could move my legs around freely, she wasn't laying there next to me, and it killed me inside. I know Derek felt the same. I didn't, and still don't, feel safe at night to go to sleep without feeling her weight on the bed. Knowing that she's not there to watch over us, and watch the house, and alert us to any noises or anything, bothers me. But, this is something that Abby did learn from Ophelia, so she does this herself. In fact it seems like she's doing it more now, so that helps.
Speaking of Abby, our poor little Abigail is obviously heartbroken, she just hides inside her cave bed, or hides underneath our bed, for hours at a time. She's been sleeping in bed with us more often, sometimes right where Ophelia used to lay, although if she's cold she will get underneath the covers and cuddle up against Derek's back. It's very sweet.
Abby didn't eat much for a few days (neither did we, though). Although, in Abby's case, she is one of those types of dogs who goes through a day where she doesn't eat, and she's rather picky about food. We think she hoards her treats from coming back inside after going out to potty under the bed, and then eats them when she's hungry, which means she isn't hungry at dinner time. But, Abby tends to eat her actual dinner later, like in the middle of the night or early morning, if we leave her food out, and she barely touched her food or treats for days. I was actually starting to worry and was thinking about taking her to the vet to make sure she was okay, since I'm going to be extra paranoid about her health now. But she started eating. She even started playing with us, if we initiate it. So that's good. She's a strong little dog with a fierce spirit, we know it will take her some time, but she will be okay.
So that's all I could get out before being overwhelmed with grief and having to stop typing.
I tried multiple other times to edit this, make other update posts, etc.
But I just wasn't able too.
It's now April 27th, and it's been 3 weeks, and 5 days since we lost Ophelia.
I can't really describe the emptiness that I feel. I feel like my life has been ruined.
Ophelia was always, always here, right by my side, and if not by my side, by Derek's side, since she liked to sit with him for a long time after he got home from work.
As much as I love Abby, she's a very different dog than Ophelia, and always has been. In fact this was never a "problem" before, until we lost Ophelia. Abby has always liked to hide under our bed, or hide under the covers of our bed. Knowing she likes to hide is why I saved up some money and bought her a special "cave" type bed, just for her, so she can hide, and be comfy, warm, and feel safe. So while Abby is asleep in her bed or under our bed, the house feels incredibly empty, and I would be lying if I said I didn't wish Abby was more like Ophelia in some ways. Mostly just in the way that Ophelia followed us from room to room to see what we were doing, and to constantly be by our side.
Ophelia had such a large presence, such a lovely personality, and loved to be right there with us no matter what we were doing, whether it was watching TV, folding laundry or working on the computer.
So it feels very empty here without her.
Distractions help. Getting involved in a TV show, lately we've been watching Leverage, has helped me, and Derek I think, quite a lot, especially when Abby decides to come cuddle with us, which she's been doing more often now. Playing games on the phone or computer, doing some reading, etc, it all helps. If I'm not distracted by something I'm just crushed with grief and heartache, but I don't think that is how Ophelia would want me to feel, so I'm trying to stay distracted now.
Abby is slowly getting to be her self again, she's recently started running around with a toy in her mouth and shaking it violently like she used too. Although Ophelia used to run up and play tug-of-war with her when she would do that, so sometimes Abby just stops and looks around, drops the toy, and then goes and hides under our bed for a while. But overall she seems to be doing better, she's eating more, she's running around more, she wants to play more often. She does seem to want to be near us more, as well, even sitting with us on the couch and watching TV with us, like Ophelia used to do, so it's nice to have Abby doing that now. She's also a lot less aggro toward every other dog she sees when I'm out walking her, and she tries to make friends with dogs that she hasn't been friendly with before. I know this is a sign she is lonely and needs a playmate, but I just don't feel like I can handle another dog right now. My heart is just not strong enough yet, I'm still very broken, and I feel like my capacity for love is greatly reduced. Before, if we were to add a third dog, it would have been a fun and happy thing for me, but now, not so much. I've been making a point to play with Abby when she seems like she's in a playful mood, playing fetch and having her run all over the house seems to make her tired and happy.
Overall I guess we're doing as well as can be expected. It feels like we just lost Ophelia 3 days ago to me, not three weeks ago.
I'm really struggling to adjust to life without her.
All the hopes and dreams I had, any plans for the future I had, everything, involved Ophelia.
For example, if Derek and I ever got married I had every intention of having Ophelia and Abby be right there with us, in every picture. Abby probably wouldn't enjoy that, but Ophelia would have.
And now she won't be there, for anything, and it just kills me.
I wanted to take another trip up to northern California, Ophelia has been there before. I wanted to take Ophelia and Abby and find the empty beach we had found on our previous trip, and play fetch with Ophelia again on that beach. I wanted to watch her run across the sand, but this time with Abby running around too. And now it won't happen, and that knowledge makes me die a little more inside.
With all of that being said, we have a lot of great memories of our life with Ophelia. We want to use this blog to share those great memories and stories of Ophelia's life. We want everyone to know how great she was. She really was the best dog ever. I'll probably throw in some updates about how we're doing every so often, hopefully they'll be shorter and less depressing than this one.
I want to say again, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive to us.
Thank you to everyone who met Ophelia, and loved her too.
Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and is touched by her story, and discovers that you can love a dog that you never even met. She really was the best, and I hope we can show that in the posts we're going to make to share our memories of her.
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